


Broken

by angelofthequeers



Series: Songfics [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Apologies, BAMF Castiel, Cas finally calls out the boys on their crap, Cas has had enough of all your crap, Cas needs to learn that he's not worthless, Castiel Has Panic Attacks, Castiel Has Self-Esteem Issues, Castiel Needs a Hug, Episode: s11e10 The Devil Is In The Details, Hugs, Hurt Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, I freaking swear, Kissing, M/M, Panic Attacks, Praise Kink, Stop Hurting Cas 2k16, Take notes writers, This is so what needs to happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-15 12:16:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5785015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthequeers/pseuds/angelofthequeers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coda to 11x10. Destiel. After being freed, Cas has a few choice words to say to Sam and Dean about their treatment of him and finally stands up for himself and calls the brothers out on the way they use him, because they might love him but that doesn't mean that they don't treat him like an expendable tool. (And in which the author is ticked off at how OOC our boys are this season).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.
> 
> First off, please listen to 'Broken' by Seether when reading this if you really want to feel.
> 
> I think my reason for writing this goes without saying, to be honest. I feel like these more recent writers, so eager to show off their power, don't give a flying fuck about us and are making Sam and Dean so OOC it's not funny – because Cas is their family and the day in-character Dean doesn't realise that his family is in trouble and treats Cas as an expendable tool is the day Hell freezes over – just to sink Destiel and crap on Cas and spit in our faces. I miss the days of Manners, Gamble and Edlund, where they told us that Destiel wasn't gonna happen but were cool with letting us ship it and interpret the subtext and actually respected us fans. Thanks, writers, for making me feel depressed to watch one of the few things that really makes me happy these days.
> 
> Also, props to LokiNeedsHugs1031 for getting in with this before me. We were ranting together and she wrote a 'Cas finally speaks his mind' fic called 'The Truth of the Matter', which y'all need to check out because it's seriously awesome.

"Why?" Dean said desperately. "Why the hell did you do that, Cas? Why'd you say yes to Lucifer?"

He was surprised when Cas levelled him with a terrible glare. Since when did Cas look at him like that? Although, what with recent events, he really couldn't blame Cas for giving him such a horrible look.

"Because I'm expendable," Cas snapped. "A pawn to be sacrificed for the greater good. I'm just a tool to you, am I not?"

Dean gaped. Something sharp seemed to stab him in the heart at the look of utter betrayal in his angel's eyes.

"W-What the hell? You're not – what brought that on, Cas? You're family!"

"You certainly treated me like family," Cas said acidly. "I won't deny that you have treated me as one of your family but you have been using me as you saw fit for years, Dean. I did not involve you in Heaven's civil war to spare you, because I cared about you, but you didn't even try to understand my position. You just expected me to come whenever you called and help you when you required me."

Dean mutely shook his head. But Cas wasn't finished.

"Then you came to find me when I was Emmanuel so that I could heal Sam, only to abandon me in a mental institution with Meg when I was no longer useful. A _demon_ showed me more kindness than you did, Dean. And you told me yourself: 'No one cares if I'm broken'. Those words still stay with me and they still haunt me."

Dean tried to speak, to apologise for the fucking awful things he'd said, but his mouth wouldn't move.

"And yes, you redeemed yourself for all of this by keeping my coat and telling me that you wanted me, cursed or not, and then trying your hardest to save me from Purgatory, and I am grateful to you for all of that, Dean. But it still hurt, to know that you would cast me aside when I couldn't help. And then Metatron managed to manipulate me and I became human."

"Crap," Dean murmured. "I felt like shit for kicking you out, Cas! But Gadreel –"

"I know what Gadreel said!" Cas barked. Dean immediately shut up, unaccustomed to Cas talking to him like this. "But you still could have helped me, Dean! I thought that you were always there for family no matter what! I helped you for years because I loved you, not expecting or asking for anything in return! I thought that you would help me when I was lost and in pain and desperate! I thought that you would at least have allowed me to stay nearby and helped me, even if I couldn't stay with you! But you still kicked me out and left me to fend for myself! And especially after I slept with April – I thought that you were ashamed of what I had done, sleeping with a reaper and allowing myself to get killed! I blamed myself, Dean! I was worthless, dirty, tainted – not even fit to grace the lowest of humans! Yet I was shown kindness by humans who had nothing to give me but still wished to help."

Cas _loved_ him?

"Cas –"

"Let me finish! When I finally acquired an army to beat Metatron, I threw it all away. For you, Dean. For you. Because I still loved you. And I was devastated to learn of your death when Metatron cornered me in Heaven. When Sam told me that you were a demon, I felt a tiny sliver of hope. You could be saved! And for a while, once you returned to being human, everything felt as right as it could be while you had the Mark of Cain. I was being treated as a friend and I thought that I would finally stop being used!"

Cas was shaking. Dean's stomach was churning with guilt. Cas had been bottling all of this up and he'd had no idea!

"And then it wasn't you who used me this time but Sam," Cas continued. Dean heard footsteps behind him and turned slightly to see that Sam had entered the room, staring at Cas with an open mouth and eyes alight with guilt. "Sam convinced me to assist in removing the Mark of Cain. I knew that you wouldn't be happy with me, Dean, for going behind your back. I knew that there would be consequences. But I loved you, so I followed Sam's plan. I watched Charlie and Rowena. And I allowed Charlie to leave, so her blood is also on my hands."

"No!" Sam said. "Cas, you don't have _anything_ to do with Charlie's death! That one's all on me!"

Cas' lips twitched sardonically.

"Even if that were true, my hands are already dripping in blood. And after you two saved me from Rowena's spell, everything began to go downhill again. I was broken. I couldn't leave the bunker because I was weak and suffered from flashbacks. I expected one of you to ask me what was wrong but neither of you did! Sam was preoccupied with visions he believed were from God, while you were obsessed with the Darkness. You didn't care if I was okay or not!"

Cas' blue eyes were bright, though with agony and unshed tears. Dean felt his heart slowly begin to break. How could he have fucked up this bad? How could he have mistreated his angel like this?

"Even broken and useless, I still assisted you in researching cases! I believed that you two cared, that you were simply trying to distract me from my worthlessness. But I was foolishly wrong. You two were just using me yet again, as though I was a tool to be wielded whenever necessary. Neither of you cared whether I was okay! And then after I confronted Metatron and let him go, you yelled at me, Dean! You made me feel like a weak failure for allowing Metatron to escape, yet when I asked how Amara got away, you avoided the subject! And I didn't call you out on your hypocrisy because I loved you and didn't want to spark even more of an argument!"

"I'm sor –"

"You didn't even care what Metatron said to me, did you? You never even thought to ask! He said that I was broken! That I was scarred deeply; paralysed by trauma! He said that I was mad at being everyone's tool, at being manipulated by my siblings, by my enemies…and by my friends. And he was right."

Cas' shaking had gotten worse; though whether he was shaking with rage or despair, Dean had no idea. All he knew was that he was currently feeling like the shittiest person alive because his angel had needed him – Cas had _needed him_ – and he'd been too busy gallivanting off with his own woes to realise!

"I'm angry, Dean. So angry. And I'm so broken, so worthless…everybody can see that. Ambriel was right: I _am_ expendable. And Amara was right to say that God was wrong to choose me as his favourite and that I wasn't even worth her effort to consume me."

Clenching his fists, Cas looked away.

"You want to know why I said yes? I thought that I could finally do something right for once; that for once, I could save the world rather than break it. I thought that if I did something right, you – you would finally see that I wasn't simply a worthless tool to be discarded when you had no use for me. But clearly, I was wrong. The havoc that Lucifer wreaked in my body…it never stops, Dean. All I can see is everyone that Lucifer made me kill…all of the atrocities…and all of the hurtful things he made me say to you. It never stops!"

Now Cas was crying. His stomach lurching at this uncharacteristic, foreign sight, Dean immediately took the few steps that separated them over to Cas, grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug. Cas cried even harder, clutching Dean's shirt as though it was a lifeline, and Dean let him – he let Cas continue to cry on him because Cas deserved it, and Dean was such an oblivious asshole for letting things get this bad.

"You used me," Cas whispered brokenly. "You and Sam…my true family…I thought that you would be different. But you weren't. You used me when you saw fit and you didn't care about me otherwise. In the Cage…you only cared about Sam. You didn't care that Lucifer was beating me up. You didn't tell me about the plan between you and Crowley. And…you didn't even notice that Lucifer was in control and not me. That's what hurt me most, Dean. I would have noticed immediately if you were in my position. Nothing can fool me. But you didn't care enough to be able to tell. Nobody cares about me."

"I do care!" Dean said, his arms tightening around Cas. "Fuck, I do care, Cas! I've just been such a selfish asshole and I didn't realise! But don't you _dare_ think that you're anything less than family and that I don't care about you! Because I do! And you're _not_ worthless! You're _not_ broken! You're amazing and loyal and always trying to do the right thing even if you get screwed over and dammit, Cas, I love you!"

Cas froze. Slowly, his grip on Dean's shirt loosened and he pulled back to look up at Dean.

"You…love me?" he whispered. Dean nodded. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sam slipping away into another room to give them privacy and a small rush of gratefulness surged through him.

"Yeah. I do. And I can't believe it took this to get me to realise but I do, Cas, I do love you. And I'm _so sorry_ for _all_ of the shit I've put you through. You're not expendable. I don't know what I'd do without you, man. You help me and Sam so much and you're right, we _do_ take you for granted. We should've realised that it was fucking Lucifer and not you! I'm _sorry_ , Cas, I'm _so_ sorry!"

He buried his face in Cas' beige trench coat, fighting back his own tears. This was Cas' moment to vent and he'd be damned if he stole it with his own chick attitude!

"Don't _ever_ say that you're broken and worthless, Cas. You're _not_. I can't believe that we never noticed that you needed help but I swear, Cas, we're gonna be here for you from now on and we're not gonna use you again. I'm _sorry_ , Cas. I'm the worthless piece of shit here. I'm selfish and I fuck everything up and everyone around me ends up dead. I'm the worthless one. _Not_ you."

"Don't," Cas said sharply, his face wet. "You are not worthless or selfish, Dean. You were simply faced with difficult circumstances –"

"Yeah, for years. Don't try and make excuses for me, Cas. I know I'm a shitty person and you were right to call me out on it. Don't go feeling guilty for that."

"I'm sorry, too." Sam had returned, looking close to tears, unable to look at Cas, though this didn't stop him from carefully rubbing Cas' back. "I used you too, and I should've realised. Some friend I am. You shouldn't have even needed to tell us or ask us for help."

"And I wouldn't have asked for help," Cas said. "My priority has always been Dean – and you, when we grew closer and became friends. My own state doesn't matter."

"Like hell," Dean snarled. How could Cas believe that he was worth so little? How could his angel talk in such a self-deprecating way? "You're just as important as any of us, Cas! When are you gonna see that?"

Cas just shook his head and buried his face in Dean's shoulder. Dean's heart sank even further when he felt Cas begin to shake again and realised that his angel was once again crying.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm sorry and I love you and I always hurt the people I love but that's no excuse. I'm gonna make it up to you, Cas, now that the worst of it all's over. I'll find some way to redeem myself to you."

Cas looked up when Dean quoted his words from years ago. His eyes were red and his cheeks were splotched and Dean just wanted to kiss all of that misery away and make Cas forget all about it.

"No," Cas said. "You don't need to redeem yourself. I shouldn't even have bothered you with this."

"Yeah, you should've," Sam argued. "We needed that kick up the ass."

Dean didn't even bother with words. Carefully cupping Cas' face, he leaned in and pressed his lips against his angel's, trying to pour every little bit of love and regret into the kiss. Cas made a surprised noise and his eyes closed as he kissed back – but only for a moment. Making a pained noise, he pushed Dean away.

"What?" Dean said. "But I thought –"

"I'm not ready for that, Dean," Cas murmured, looking down. "I can't – it's too painful – I don't want you to kiss me out of guilt or obligation."

"I'm not! I'm doing it 'cause I want to!"

"Please, Dean…not now. One day but not now. I – I just can't."

Dean's heart slowly began to break. He tightened his arms around Cas and buried his face in Cas' dark hair, wanting to comfort his angel in any way possible.

"Can I hold you at least? I'm so, so sorry, Cas. I hurt you so badly. If there was a way I could take your pain, I would in a heartbeat."

Cas nodded and clenched his fists in Dean's shirt again, nuzzling into the crook of his neck.

"Yes. Please, hold me. I just – I just desire comfort."

Dean sent out a silent 'thank you' when Sam left the room again. He guided Cas over to the nearest wall, tugged his angel down with him and leaned against it, holding Cas close to him. Cas trembled as he continued to cry and though he wanted to kiss Cas' tears away and love him as much as possible, he settled for stroking Cas' hair and planting light kisses on his head. He'd fucked up and hurt Cas and he didn't know why Cas had forgiven him yet again, because he hadn't forgiven himself. But he'd make it up to his angel one day. Even if he had to spend the rest of his life doing so, he'd make it up to Cas. That was the least he could do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.
> 
> So after LokiNeedsHugs1031 wrote a follow-up to her 'Stop Hurting Cas 2k16' (as we christened the tag), I naturally had to do the same. SHE SHALL NOT OUTDO MEEEEEEEEE *explodes*
> 
> But seriously. Go check it out. I puked rainbows by the end of it. It's called 'The Truth of The Matter' and it's awesome!
> 
> Also, if panic attacks trigger you then you probably won't want to read the first half of this. It's not too graphic (at least, I don't think it is) but it is pretty serious.
> 
> Thanks to LokiNeedsHugs1031, Hannah_ruth_990, tkdgrl223, DPR, cider_jelly, superwholock_fangirl, van+fanel and Fullreverse for your comments :)

 

"Cas? Sam says breakfast is ready. Wanna get up?"

Castiel stirred. Dean's arms were still around him, trapping him in a lovely, comforting cage of warmth.

"Wanna sleep…" he mumbled.

"Okay. I'll stay with you."

Castiel was perfectly fine with that; that is, until Dean's stomach rumbled loudly. The angel shook his head sleepily, guilt gnawing at his stomach. He'd inconvenienced Dean enough already!

"I'm okay, Dean. Go and eat."

Dean didn't look too happy, so Castiel fumbled for his hand and squeezed it. Dean squeezed back straight away.

"Just take it easy, Cas."

He bent down to kiss Castiel but the angel tensed, so he just brushed his lips over Castiel's forehead. As soon as he was gone, Castiel closed his eyes and sank back down into the bed. Why did he have to ruin everything? He finally had what he wanted: Dean loving him in return and wanting to kiss him. And he'd just turned him down! How long would it take for Dean to realise just how broken and worthless he was and that he wasn't even worth the man's time?

He'd messed up, saying yes to Lucifer. He'd thought that he'd had no other choice, after years of everybody telling him that he was useless and expendable and unwanted, only worthwhile as a tool before being cast aside. What else was he supposed to do? Lucifer had been their best chance at defeating the Darkness! And as usual, he'd done it – all of it – for Dean. For the human that he had loved since ascending out of the fiery pits of Hell, encasing the pure soul in his grace to protect it.

And ever since yesterday, when they had expelled Lucifer and he had burst out with everything that he had been keeping to himself for years, Sam and Dean had done nothing but ensure that he was in comfort and not inconvenienced in any way. Dean had even let the angel sleep in his bed! This wasn't how it was supposed to be! He was supposed to be the one sacrificing everything for the people he regarded as family – he was the replaceable one! Why had he even bothered Sam and Dean with his rant? And why was his vision beginning to swim and blur?

' _I'm not breathing,'_ Castiel realised as his chest began to ache. He shot up in bed before sagging against the headboard, clutching at his tight chest. _'Why is this affecting me? I – don't need to – I am an angel – though not much of one – I – worthless – expendable – break everything – unwanted – just a pawn – a burden on everybody – better if I was dead – '_

Lucifer's words resonated through his head and black spots danced in his vision as he struggled to draw in air. Everything sounded strange and distorted, as though he was underwater and his surroundings were undergoing interference.

"Cas?" Dean's voice sounded distant. "I brought you some food. Thought you'd – are you okay?"

"Dean," Cas wheezed. "I – can't breathe –"

Dean was by his side in an instant, tilting his head to look into his wide eyes.

"Crap, you're having a panic attack. Breathe, Cas! What's wrong?"

"Lucifer – he – won't leave me – Dean – what's happening –"

"You gotta breathe, Cas. Here, I got ya." Strong hands gripped Castiel's. "Just breathe. In…out…in…out…just breathe…"

Castiel closed his eyes, a few tears escaping his eyes to leave shiny tracks down his cheeks, and he couldn't help rocking back and forth as he struggled to draw breath into his unyielding lungs and calm his furiously racing heart.

' _Worthless – break everything – expendable – should die – worthless – break everything – expendable – should die – going to die – I'm dying – dying – good – finally free – stop troubling everybody – unwanted – better off dead –'_

"That's it," Dean said soothingly as Castiel sagged against him. "Just keep breathing. You're doing great. Lucifer's not here – I am. I gotcha, Cas."

"I – I apologise – for burdening –"

"Hey," Dean said sharply. "What'd I say yesterday? You're just as important as us. I'm gonna make it up to you. I'll find some way to redeem myself to you. I'd take your pain if I could. You're not burdening me, Cas. And even if you were, we've dumped enough crap on you. Now it's your turn."

It hurt to hear Dean talk as though Castiel was worth something but the angel found that he could use Dean's voice as an anchor to slow down his heart and breathing, until the worst of it had passed and he lay loosely in Dean's arms, the man's steady heartbeat pounding in his ear and providing further stability. It was easy to cling to that steady rhythm and breathe in time with it, leaving him free to try and stop the tears streaming down his face. He had never cried before! Ever! Why was he doing so now?

"It's okay, Cas." Dean began to stroke his hair. "Just let it all out."

When he kissed Castiel on the head, the angel's tenuous control slipped. As though a dam had broken, he was suddenly clinging to Dean tightly while his body was wracked with sobs and he cried into Dean's shirt, letting out every little bit of emotion that he had kept locked up and hidden from everybody else. Dean held him through his tears, rocking him gently and murmuring sweet words into his ear every now and then until his loud sobs descended into choked hiccups.

"Feel better, Cas?" Dean said when Castiel's eyes closed and he slumped further against him, his limbs leaden. Castiel nodded mutely. "Not fun, right? But it's good that you got that out."

"I'm sorry," Castiel whispered. "I'm sorry that I'm just an expendable, worthless tool that breaks everything I touch. I'm sorry that I couldn't stay dead when all I do is cause you pain. I'm sorry for inconveniencing you when you could be eating breakfast and talking to your brother and doing something other than tending to a broken, fallen angel."

Dean didn't say anything. Something horrible seemed to curl in Castiel's gut. Did Dean agree with him?

"Are you fucking serious?" Dean hissed. Castiel tensed, ready to pull away as soon as he needed to. "Did you not listen to a _single_ word Sam and I said yesterday?"

"Dean –"

"You're _family_ , Cas. _We're_ the crappy ones for treating you like we did! You're fucking _important_ , Cas! We _need_ you! _I_ need you! Don't you _ever_ think so little of yourself!"

"You do."

"That's different, okay? Dammit! How the hell can I make you believe me?"

Castiel didn't say anything. When he felt a hand under his chin, he allowed it to gently raise his head, his eyes still closed, until a pair of soft lips met his own. For a brief moment, he considered pulling away again – because how could Dean love _him_? How could Dean settle for _him_? And did he really want this? – but he realised that if he kept pulling away, he would only hurt Dean. Dean clearly wanted this, so who was he to deny the man what he wanted? If Dean wanted his body, wanted him for sex, then of course he would oblige. It was the least he could do after all of the trouble he had caused. And he loved Dean deeply, so it wouldn't be that unpleasant, would it? What did it matter if he wanted this or not?

It seemed to be going that way, as the kiss grew more heated. Dean's fingers tangled in Castiel's hair, tugging lightly as he carefully pushed Castiel back on the bed and deepened the kiss, his tongue seemingly asking for access. Castiel obediently parted his lips, letting Dean lick into his mouth and sinking into the sheets to become more pliable so that Dean could have better access to him. Dean wanted this. He was doing this for Dean. If he could provide comfort and joy and pleasure…

Suddenly, Dean pulled away. Castiel frowned up at him.

"What's wrong, Dean? Why did you pull away?"

"You're not too into this, are you?" Dean said suspiciously. Castiel's stomach jolted.

"Of – of course I am. Please, Dean, keep going. I want this."

He rocked his hips against Dean's thigh. Dean's eyes flew closed as he bit his lip and when he opened his eyes again, Castiel could see the disapproval in them.

"You don't want this, Cas. I can tell."

"It doesn't matter, Dean," Castiel hissed. "You want this, so do it. Take me however you want me. It doesn't matter what I want. If it will make you happy –"

Dean abruptly climbed off Castiel. Castiel watched in alarm as he slid off the bed and punched the closest wall.

"You don't get it, Cas!" he barked. Castiel jumped. Now Dean was angry and it was his fault! "All this stuff I'm saying – _all of it_ – it's all true! You _do_ matter and I'm not gonna take advantage of you to get myself off when you don't even want it!"

"Dean, if I can give you pleasure –"

" _It's not about the pleasure, Cas_! It's about you actually being worth something! It's about you being worth way more than – than just a sex toy or a tool that we can throw away when we're done with you! How can you not _see_? I fucking _love_ you, you idiot! I love you so goddamn much and – and you just think I want to get my rocks off – dammit!"

Dean punched the wall again.

"How the hell can I make you see, Cas? _I love you and you are worth so much_. Do I have to write it in fucking neon and hang it from a skyscraper? You – you make me happy because you're _you_! Not some obedient little – your loyalty, your kindness, the way you wanna help and do the right thing even if you get screwed over – the way you stick around even though I'm not fucking worth it – you make me feel like I'm worth something, Cas! Looking out for Sammy's always been my purpose but you – you make me feel like I'm worth so much more! You make me believe that maybe – _just maybe_ – I deserve a shot at happiness. And you know what? When I think of happiness, I think of you. _You_ , Cas."

Castiel's mouth was slightly open, his eyes stinging with tears. Was this truly how Dean felt about him? Did Dean really believe that he was actually worth something? How could this wonderful, amazing man find all of these good qualities in him and love him for them? In that moment, his love for Dean grew indescribably.

"I got an idea," Dean said suddenly. "Take off your clothes, Cas. Or do you want me to –?"

Castiel was already standing up and pulling his trench coat off. He didn't know what Dean was planning, what with his vehement protests against taking advantage of him, but he trusted Dean and knew that the man would never hurt him.

"Should I take my underwear off?" Castiel said once he had stripped out of his jacket, shirt, tie and slacks, having slept in all of his clothes except for his shoes.

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, Cas. If you wanna leave 'em on, leave 'em on."

He knew that Dean might be happier if he was to be completely naked for him but Castiel also knew that Dean would sense his discomfort at being completely naked and reprimand him again, so he kept his underwear on.

"Okay. Lie back on the bed."

Castiel lay back down on the bed obediently, his heart beginning to pick up a little speed. He frowned when Dean, still fully clothed, climbed on top of him and straddled his hips.

"Dean, I am still wearing my underwear and you are fully dressed –"

"We're not doin' that, Cas. I'm showing you just how much you're worth, alright? I'm gonna love every little bit of you because _all_ of you is worth it. Not just your mojo and your dick."

He bent down and lightly captured Castiel's lips in a soft, beautiful kiss. Castiel's eyelids fluttered shut and he couldn't help but lift his hands to cup Dean's face, needing to touch Dean somehow or risk being overwhelmed by the confusing, hot sensations coursing through him. The kiss lasted until Dean needed more air, leaving Castiel disappointed, though this didn't last for long when Dean bent back down and kissed his forehead. He then began to press kisses down to Castiel's left temple, over his closed eyelid, across his cheek to his chin and then back up to his forehead on the right side of his face. Once done, he planted a quick kiss on Castiel's nose.

"You're amazing, Cas," he murmured in between kissing down Castiel's jawline. "So smart, hilarious, kickass…so determined to do the right thing, even if it kills you…"

Castiel's chest began to heave. How could Dean mean all of this?

"You're strong," Dean continued, trailing kisses down Castiel's throat to his chest and nibbling gently in several places. "You're beautiful – and fuck, I don't ever say that, but you are. You're beautiful inside and out and you have no idea how pissed I am that it took me this long to see it."

"Dean –"

Dean silenced him with a quick kiss on the lips before beginning to kiss down his left arm. Castiel bit his lip against the sudden surge of emotions deep inside him.

"You're brilliant. Oblivious. You still don't get pop culture and you make the most hilarious mistakes. Sometimes, they're even annoying. But you know what?" Dean kissed each finger before returning back up Castiel's arm. "I love you more for it. You make me laugh, Cas. Sure, Sam makes me laugh but he's not you. You're adorable."

Dean kissed across Castiel's chest to his right arm to repeat the process.

"You're one of the most selfless people I've ever known. Everything you've done…it's all been for us. The only time you've been selfish was when you were God but even then, you became that to protect us and our planet."

"Dean – I'm not – I've made so many mistakes," Castiel choked as Dean finished with his right arm and continued down his chest, caressing his sides and his arms.

"Yeah. So've Sam and I. We've all fucked up so many times. But you know what? You always try to fix 'em. You always try to make up for whatever you did. Would any of your douchebag brothers or sisters do that? They'd just blame us 'cause they can. That makes you better than them, Cas. That makes you _awesome_."

Castiel was ashamed to find that he was softly crying again as Dean reached the waistband of his underwear and returned back to his sternum to kiss down the other side of his torso and abdomen.

"You think you care too much, too easily. Y'know what, Cas? The fact that you care so much? That's what I love so much about you. You got too much heart. I don't have enough heart. I'm selfish. I used to care but now I don't – now, I don't care about anything but Sam and you. I save people 'cause that's my job and they don't deserve to die."

"That's not true," Castiel croaked as Dean moved down to his left thigh. "You – you do care, Dean – I love that about you –"

Dean chuckled against the inside of his thigh. Having Dean this close to his penis was arousing Castiel but he found, to his surprise, that he still didn't want to have sex with Dean. No, what he wanted was this sweet, pure love that Dean thought he deserved because this was intoxicating and highly addictive.

"Y'know, I always said that the perfect person for me would be someone who crashed into my life, killed everyone and then skipped on out," Dean said, nibbling Castiel's knee and chucking when the angel's leg jerked before moving down to his calf. "Ruby did that but that was for Sam. And she was a demon bitch, anyway. But you? You were awesome. You still are, even if you didn't kill everyone – good thing, too. I would've hated you if you'd killed that old man. You're just so cool and tough and powerful – not just mojo powerful but _powerful_ – and yet, when I call, you come running. I always wondered why you always dropped everything for me."

"Because I love you, Dean," Castiel whimpered as Dean kissed each of his toes and returned back up his leg. "I – I love you and I would do anything for you. You deserve it. You – have been through so much and – I want nothing more than to provide you with whatever you wish – be it pleasure or friendship or anything else. You deserve so much, Dean."

Dean paused his journey up Castiel's leg to return up and give him a long kiss on the lips.

"Don't you think that maybe – just maybe – I feel the exact same about you?" he whispered. Castiel gaped at him as the man descended back down his body. How was it possible for Dean to feel the same love that he felt? To feel that he was as deserving as this wondrous man who was currently worshipping his right leg?

"I love you, Cas," Dean said firmly when he had finished with Castiel's leg. "And I don't care if I have to spend the rest of my life making you see that you're awesome. Budge over."

Castiel, his body limp and relaxed, shifted over so that Dean could slide in under the covers with him. A warm feeling spread throughout him when Dean pulled him close, wrapped his arms around him and rested his chin on the angel's dark hair.

"I love you too, Dean," he murmured, settling his head on Dean's chest so that he could hear the man's heartbeat. "Thank you. I hope that someday, I can prove myself worthy of your love."

Dean snorted and kissed his temple.

"Don't you get it, Cas? You already have."


End file.
